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Joke of the day!
#26
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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#27
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: (after thinking hard) Of course I do.
WIFE: Then, why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would (with a hurtful look on her face)?
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -
HUSBAND: S**t!!!
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#28
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
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#29
Just every second sentence, but it's 167
Or maybe it is a 2in1 joke? 165
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#30
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
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#31
166


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#32
I have a problem...


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#33
Hungarian cold blood... 165


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#34
Q: whats the difference between bigfoot and a smart blonde?



































A: there have been reports of bigfoot sightings!
"it does not matter who started the thread, at the end of the day i will be it's last poster...."
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#35
i hope you guys get a kick out of this one:


A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
"it does not matter who started the thread, at the end of the day i will be it's last poster...."
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#36
Perhaps somebody can't see it yet....
[youtube]http://videa.hu/play.php?v=qU69Q6784te114IL[/youtube]
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#37
Perhaps somebody can't see it yet....
http://videa.hu/play.php?v=qU69Q6784te114IL
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#38
Be good with your mouse, if you don't want problem.


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#39
carphreak Wrote:i hope you guys get a kick out of this one:


A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh *feces*,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."

167 I have heard that one, but still makes me laugh!

Balage, I like the pic of the lady that sat on her dog.. 167
05 Nissan Frontier 4x4, Stillen SuperCharger, BFG AT's Tongue
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#40
>
> An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
> He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the
old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't
been there for a while.
>
> He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
> The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>
> Old ; men can still think fast.
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#41
164


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#42
Sandiegan05fronty Wrote:>
> An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
> He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the
old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't
been there for a while.
>
> He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
> The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>
> Old ; men can still think fast.

haha that's funny! and ingenious!
"it does not matter who started the thread, at the end of the day i will be it's last poster...."
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#43
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
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#44
RedWolf Wrote:A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!

Now that right there is funny I dont care who you are.
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#45
this thread has been sleeping so here's something to wake it up....


After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. Excuse me, Your Eminence, says the driver, would you please take your seat so we can leave? Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today. I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something happens? protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. There might be something extra in it for you, says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. Please slow down, Your Holiness!!! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license, moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. So bust him, says the Chief. I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, says the cop. I mean really important. Who you got there, the Mayor? the chief asks. Bigger. Bigger than the governor or everyone else for that matter, says the cop. Well, who is it? asks the chief. I think it's God! says the cop. What makes you think it's God? Cop answers: He's got the Pope for a limo driver!
"it does not matter who started the thread, at the end of the day i will be it's last poster...."
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#46
Thats a good one 167
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#47
zing! that one was good. LOL 167
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2006 Crew Cab LE 4x4 Red Brawn
Radflo 2.0s, Deaver AAL, Bilstein 5125s, 3M Xpel Clearbra Extended Protection Kit, TruXedo TruXport Tonneau, Rear Diff Breather Extension, Weathertech VentVisors, 20% Tint, OEM NISMO Skids, Tailgate Power Lock Mod, Pathfinder Window Switch Covers, More to come...

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#48
167 167 167 164
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#49
okay here's another one to lighten up the day...

a local radio station had a contest to win a trip to Bali. it was about words not being in the dictionary but can be logically used in a sentence. after a few failed tries the DJ gets this one:

DJ: "welcome to 96fm what's your name?"

Contestant: "me name's dave"

DJ: "hey there dave whats your word?"

Contestant "me word's Goan. spelled G-O-A-N"

DJ: "okay dave for a chance to win a trip to Bali, use that word in a sentence"

Contestant: Goan f*ck yerself!

so the DJ hangs up and entertains otehr contestants. all of which fail yet again until he gets another right one:

DJ: "welcome to 96fm what's your name"

Contestant: "me names jeff"

DJ: "okay jeff, what's your word?"

Contestant: "smee. spelled S-M-E-E"

DJ: "you are correct,jeff that word is not in the dictionary. now for a cahnce to win a trip to Bali, use that word in a sentence"

Contenstant: "smee again motherf*cker, goan f*ck yerself!"
"it does not matter who started the thread, at the end of the day i will be it's last poster...."
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#50
Heres a quicky
Wadaya get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?





Pumpkin Pie.
2006 Frontier CC LE NISMO SPORT Silver Streak

Mods: Custom Dynomax Exhaust, Red Calipers, Fog lights on all the time, Airaid Quickfit w/ AEM Dryflow with modified top, Headlight Adjustment Mod, Backup Lights, Leaf Spring Helpers Traction Mod, Hood Protector, 2* timing advance, APC Sport Pedals, TB Screen Delete, Ram Air Grille Mod, Power Brake Mod, Sylvania Ultra Brights

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